jokes

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning. When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her. The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed. But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
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Absence Management

A worker calls their boss one morning and tells him that
they are staying home because they are not feeling well.
“What‘s the matter?“ he asks
“I have a case of anal glaucoma,“ said in a weak voice.
“What the hell is anal glaucoma?“
“I can‘t see my ass coming into work today“ .

Eating Pizza

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.

He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says “I can‘t I‘m on my period.“

He says “That doesn‘t matter.“

So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers “Eating Pizza!“

Sick Harold Shipman Jokes

Q: What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common?
A: Neither of them can finish a sentence.
Shipman‘s last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied that it was OK but he could‘ve murdered a nan.
They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.
Harold Shipman‘s suicide note has been found. It reads – “I can‘t go on. I‘ve run out of patience.“
The prison warden where Shipman was ‘staying‘ commented that he will be sorely missed, especially by the prison boxing club. He said: “He had a lethal jab“.
It‘s been said Harold Shipman was a bit of a lady killer, maybe thats got something to do with the fact that he‘s well hung!

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